


Tainted

by Silence_Will_Fall201



Series: FitzSimmons One shots [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, Because that's seems to be a favourite amongst us in the fandom, Bus Kids - Freeform, But that's how it turned out, F/M, Kind of more Fitz and Daisy feels, Leo Fitz Feels, Leo Fitz-centric, but I don't write fluff, so here is the angst, so whatever, some angsty FitzSimmons for you all, that and lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 18:48:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13665084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silence_Will_Fall201/pseuds/Silence_Will_Fall201
Summary: Fitz reflects on his choices and his darkness.---Before joining Coulson's team, Fitz had never picked up a weapon with the intention to harm. He was an engineer, and he designed weapons for a living, and logical he knew that some had been the cause of death to so many, especially the repurposed schematics HYDA used. Yet, he had never actively picked up a weapon and hurt someone, let alone kill them.All that changed when Fitz joined Coulson's team at the request of Simmons.





	Tainted

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to write a fic exploring Fitz's 'darkness' and how it has impacted his choices throughout the show, so here is my angsty take on that very thing. Pretty much a character study if you think about it.

Before joining Coulson's team, Fitz had never picked up a weapon with the intention to harm. He was an engineer, and he designed weapons for a living, and logical he knew that some had been the cause of death to so many, especially the repurposed schematics HYDA used. Yet, he had never actively picked up a weapon and hurt someone, let alone kill them.

All that changed when Fitz joined Coulson's team at the request of Simmons.

It became harder and harder to keep his morals intact. Simmons seemed to take being in the field with a burning passion, something he hadn't seen from her since that one time she dissected a dead animal, which Fitz hadn't even had time to see what it was before his stomach churned in disgust. Adapting to Coulson's team had been hard for him. He didn't like change and made that abundantly clear, but being on the team was something else.

When it came down to that one moment. The moment he picked up a weapon, feeling the cold metal underneath his fingers, his index finger twitching with anticipation, that he didn't think. He shot. The recoil caused him to flinch, feeling like a kick to both his wrists. It had seemed like time slowed down, as he watched the bullets slice through the air, reaching their intended target several metres away from him. The clang of the shell casings on the floor had brought him back to reality and he had dropped the weapon, his breathing heavy and a panic attack seconds away from emerging.

That had been the moment Fitz had truely begun to change. It hadn't been his hypoxia that started it, but that had launched him further into the darkness of his own mind.

He replayed that moment every time he had to go into the field. The sharp nod May had given him after the agents lifeless corpse fell to the ground with a thud, had haunted him in a way. Logically, he knew what he did was the right choice in the moment. He had saved May, but his stomach churned as he realised the nod May had given him was approval. At least, that's what he thought at the time. He had later realised that was her way of saying 'thank you'.

Gordon was accidental. No doubt about it. Yet, it caused him to think about something he had said to Coulson earlier that year.

"I'm not a killer."

Funny how things come into play later on.

Then came Giyera. His first outright murder. While he had killed the HYDRA agent, that had been in defence of another. With Giyera, Fitz didn't even know what his motives were when he pulled the trigger. To save Daisy and May? That was likely part of it. However, most of his mind found that when he killed Giyera, it was for more selfish reasons. Giyera had hurt Simmons. Fitz wanted revenge. It seemed almost fitting at the time.

Fitz had become someone very different to the young scientist that had first stepped on the Bus. He had become much more confident, though most of that had been him shoving his own fears and emotions deep into himself. He no longer retreated in on himself when things got bad. That had been a hard habit to break after his hypoxia. Simmons had told him, amongst others, that his behaviour had become somewhat reckless. He had risked his own life multiple times for her.

Fitz's dark side had shown itself several times since joining the team. Instances where he had killed another were only the tip of the iceberg. Fitz had tortured Ward, only stopping when Ward had given him information. Fitz had constant outbursts of anger, sometimes hurting others in the process, and his thoughts sometimes reflected a darker side of his personality, saying those particular thoughts causing others around him to recoil mostly out of shock.

His dark side had become much more prominent after the Framework.

The place where Fitz saw who he could have been. Where he saw what he was capable of.

He hated it. He hated it with such a fierce, explosive passion that he wished he could have erased those memories from his mind, erasing the part of himself that was  _The Doctor_.

Sadly, he couldn't, and he was forced to live with the trauma of enjoying monstrous acts, the memories of doing so embedded permanently in his mind, tainting his every normal thought. 

Hunter had seen the fallout.

So had Simmons, Mack and Flint.

Flint was only a kid.

Yet he had seen so much. Done so much.

Threatening Enoch had been an act of pure desperation. He needed to get back to his team, his friends, his  _family_. More importantly, he needed to get back to the love of his life. Hunter, seeing that side of him, had - at first - recoiled in shock and slight fear, though quickly grew to accept that Fitz had changed from the time Hunter had last seen him.

While he was desperate when he confronted Enoch, he was perfectly in control when he killed the Kree. Fitz hadn't even had a second thought when the trap came to mind. The only thing he told Simmons, was that he had a way out. While, in the moment, the trap had seemed like the most efficient way to stay alive, it had taken Fitz several hours of thought to realise what it was Simmons was so shocked about.

It wasn't that he had killed the Kree.

It was  _how_ he had killed the Kree.

Setting that trap had been cold, calculating and downright ruthless. Something  _he_ would have done. What Fitz had told Simmons when she asked had also not been his own words. No, they were the words of a man who had absolute control.

"The rest need to be afraid to follow us." Was what he said.

 _Fear_.  _He_ played on fear.

Fitz didn't want to be like him.

Thought it seemed he didn't have a choice in the matter, because as long as he remembered what had happened, The Doctor would always be a part of Fitz. The part of him lurking down in the darkest corners of his mind.

"Fitz? Are you okay?" Simmons' voice snapped him back to reality as his eyes moved to hers. Her brows were creased with concern as she bit her lip.

"I'm alright, Jemma." Fitz gave her a thin smile. "No need to worry." Simmons didn't seem convinced as she sighed. Fitz's gaze turned to Daisy, the two sharing a look of understanding, as if Daisy could see what he was thinking and understood every word.

She gave him a sad smile, which was when Fitz realised.

She did understand. She had gone through a similar time.

He's just different now, and that's okay.


End file.
